Moving through

33 days left until the test starts.

I feel it, I really do. To be honest, I've had a really hard time being motivated this summer. The weird thing was, its not like I was putting it off....its more like--I just don't care to do anything. I didn't feel stressed about it at all.

Its recently begun to hit me more. I've felt the pressure to be more motivated. It wavers between "I can do this, its only one part" to "omg omg omg its the freaking end of June." My husband is trying to finish a very important Advanced Calculus class so he can get into his program and move on with his scholastic plan, so we're both a little stressed. Honestly, while he's been in the trenches with this calculus class, I've been content to just take care of him and the house and not even think about the bar. But my avoidance of my own issues can only last for so long.

Recently I've been feeling friends-type voids in my life. Most of the young couples at church have jobs and lives and it seems like we don't have much in common. Or they have kids, which means we have NOTHING in common. I recently reconnected with an old friend who now lives out west, and that has been really wonderful. We were estranged for a while for a variety of reasons, but we've talked more in the past few days than we have in probably a year and I realized that I missed it! We all need those types of people in our lives.

Work has been interesting. I haven't gotten a ton of hours, which is totally fine with me because it means more study time. I've really been struggling with not being super smug while working or embarrassed to be working there. When lawyers I've worked for/with/against, come through my line, I get very embarrassed and don't make eye contract. None have recognized me. I have a very unflattering uniform I have to wear and basically customers think because I'm a cashier, I'm dumber than a rock. Which we all know that isn't true, especially these days when all sorts of people take all sorts of jobs to make ends meet. I had a customer last week make some comment on my intelligence level IN FRONT OF ME and it took all I had not to climb over the counter and punch her in the face. Some days, when I hand people their receipt, I want to be like, "have a good day, I have a doctorate degree."

But of course I don't say anything. I just call BC on my break and cry and complain and I get my life back together and eat my PB&J and go back to work. I try to remember each day that I am supposed to be working hard for the Lord and not for men...which is not exactly what I'm doing. When I'm searching for that smuggy satisfaction that people need to recognize my brilliance, my motives aren't sincere and my efforts will not be blessed. How can I expect the Lord to bless my pursuits when I'm being egotistical and narcissistic?

Back to the bar. I came across a possible tutor for the FL portion the other day, but after talking, I'm not sure he's going to work out. Sometimes that happens, and you just have to be open to finding people who (1) mesh with your learning style and (2) you trust to help you succeed. I got some valuable input from him, however, and that's helped to shape how I'm studying now. I've been going over a different topic each day, just trying to get as far as I can, and do as much as a can, before moving on to something else. There are so many topics to cover for FL, so hopefully this tactic won't work against me.

I received an e-mail today (hi Kathryn!) who is retaking the FL bar, MBE section only. Despite how awful I feel for people who are retaking (being a 5th timer myself, I hate that ANYONE has to suffer more than once), it is helpful to be able to commiserate with others who have gone through/are going through the same sorts of things, especially in the same state. The encouragement is truly invaluable. The friend I went to Tampa with in February is retaking half as well again and we met up to study yesterday--it turned into mostly swapping stories and encouraging each other for an hour or so. Those sorts of things are very important, I think. When it seems like everyone else has passed you by and you're the only one left after everyone else has passed and you're still studying and unemployed and hating life....yeah, those chats become pretty important. Its so easy to get bogged down and feel like nothing will change by retaking the test, but it will! Just keep telling yourself IT WILL GET BETTER.

Ok, this is really long. This is what happens when I don't blog more often. Plus, you caught me on a super upbeat day, so don't get used to this kind of attitude :)

If you are the praying type, I sure could use it these days!

Anticlimactic

I didn't pass. I mean, I did, sort of, but not totally. I passed the MBE and failed FL. I'm trying again for the 5th time this July.

At this point, its whatever. That was...a month ago? I don't know. I've accepted and moved on.

I had grandiose plans to spill my heart all over this blog about introspection and what not, but that's all gone now.

I got a part time job at a grocery store a couple days a week while I study (WOOOO $9 AN HOURRRRR). I should start next week. I'm still working at the monogram shop too, slapping monograms all over everything I own.

In other news, I've lost like 10 pounds since Easter. That rocks. About a week ago I bought a $10 pair of jeans at the Loft. While that alone is awesome, it was in a size I'm pretty sure I've never been. It felt amazing and still feel amazing when I put them on. Now that I've got a smidge of weight off, I'm hoping to get back to running.

Husband is taking summer classes, one being Spanish. I knew some Spanish once, so its fun relearning it with him. We have little conversations about colors and classmates and family members and traveling.

Also, in case you live on Mars, its the NBA playoffs. While I'm a lil sad that the Mavs aren't in it this year, I'm all about ABH now--Anybody But the Heat. There's just something about LeBron James that deserves a face punch. Plus, can we just all agree that Dwyane Wade has a misspelled name? Yes? Ok, thank you.

In the Ones Now

Well friends and neighbors, we're getting closer and closer to THE day. 17 days left, as of today. I don't think about it as much, and I guess that's because I'm not working in the legal field at the moment. Not working the the legal field everyday equals not having people ask you "SO WHEN'S THE BIG DAY?!" at every possible moment.

I've still been begging for hours at the monogram shop and have worked a few hours here and there. I'm still checking up on that legal job I told y'all about. I called yesterday and found out the attorney had a death in the family and is out for an unknown amount of time. So we keep waiting. His secretary did say she gave my resume and info to him and he's considering it. But I don't know if that was just her being nice or what. Either way, PATIENCE. Ugh.

Patience has truly been a huge lesson for me lately. Everything I'm reason has been about waiting on the Lord. It's not my nature, by any means, but I know that there is an important reason for all the waiting. Waiting to finish school. Waiting to find my husband. Waiting to pass the bar. Waiting to find a job. Waiting. But I know the Lord has a purpose for my life. And if I've learned anything through all this, it's that God has a plan and He is going to see it through.

I can't wait to see where it all ends up :)

New Opportunities?

So I've been on the hunt for jobs, and trying to be a little unconventional. I've had several suggestions to be more forward with employers and basically call them up and say, I'm a good fit for your firm, can I come and interview with you.

While this is utterly terrifying for me, I recently had the opportunity to find out that a local firm was hiring. The firm only has four attorneys in it, but I found out from one of the main partner's wives (i.e. his name is on the sign) that they might be hiring another attorney because they have an excess of work.

In the interest of brevity, I called yesterday and the attorney called me back today. After some discussion, and telling him I a) just took the bar exam, b) have only worked in criminal law, and c) only have experience in civil litigation through law school competitions and clinics, he asked me to send him a resume. He then proceeded to tell me they have been in talked with but "hadn't closed the deal" with an attorney with 3 years experience. Being up against that person doesn't leave me with much hope, but I guess its a good thing he still asked for a resume after learning I have no experience doing what they do. I mean, I guess he could have just said thanks but no thanks.

So, in the meantime, I've been working on my confidence and trust and trying to embrace my full potential. I got really upset a few days ago at feeling really left out with a certain group of people. One person in particular I don't really care for all that much, and that made me even more upset. I felt the need to try to be super happy, excited, etc., to fit in, despite not being included. After talking with BC, if people don't want to spend time with me, so be it. Honestly I'm kinda tired of trying SO HARD to fit in. By the same token, I've got a lot of "me" things to work on--specifically learning to put myself out there and not worry about what other people think. I used to be confident and it went away. I want to find it again.

Also, last thing--as of yesterday, I'm officially training for a half-marathon!! I'm so excited!!

My letter to Delilah

I left for Tampa for the bar exam on Monday the 27th. I drove with another girl I met who was re-taking Florida for the first time. We left Tampa immediately after the MBE portion on Wednesday. While on the drive we scoured the radio searching for fun stuff to listen to. We ended up listening to the Delilah show because that was pretty much all we could find that wasn't rap or country (welcome to Florida).

If you've listened to the Delilah show, you know she is syndicated and is like the #1 woman in radio ever of all time, or something. I usually just hear her at Christmas, but apparently she's on year-round. So around 9:30 pm, while we were listening, she took this caller. He was in his 20s and was complaining about not being able to get a girl to go out with him. (Clearly not, if you're calling Delilah at 10pm.) Come to find out, this girl already had a boyfriend, the caller just wanted her to break up with that boyfriend for the caller! And she wouldn't! Shock of all shocks! Delilah was like...ummm...ok. Song he requested? "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson. If you're keeping count, so far we have at least 4 reasons why its clear this dude wasn't going to get with this girl.

So, I told my friend--we should totally call her. We're on our way back from the bar exam (so we're clearly brilliant), we're WAY more awesome than that dude, and we'll probably be the raddest people she'll talk to this week. So I called. And called. And called. And called. Busy signal, busy signal, busy signal. Go figure. My friend said she heard one time that she gets so many callers that people actually organize the call and schedule you a time. I told her--if they schedule people, she must REALLY be hurting for callers if THAT guy gets through!

So we emailed instead. Now keep in mind we were basically delerious. We had gone straight from bar exam to the car for about seven hours. Add in about 2 months of not sleeping or eating well, etc etc. You people know this. I'm not telling you anyone new.

So, we had a serious case of the giggles when we wrote this.

Also, when you go to her website, there is a section called something like--Got a Dilemma? Ask Delilah! Or something like that.

Here ya go:

Delilah. Here is my dilemma. I tried to call you on the phone and it was busy. I guess you only have one phone line, but that's okay because I do too. Anyways, my friend and I are driving back from the Florida Bar Exam as I type this. Don't worry, she is driving and that is why I am typing. We just heard some guy call in and talk about wanting a song request because he asked out a girl that refused to break up or cheat on her boyfriend with this dude. We think she chose well because he requested a Kelly Clarkson song. I mean, what dude does that at 9:30 on a Wednesday night. But I digress. He was a lame caller. We, however, basically would have been the two coolest people you will have talked to probably so far this week. I'm bummed we didn't get to chat. My phone only has 18% power left and I couldn't keep calling to try to get through. I think we were going to request What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger by Kelly, mostly because she seemed like the lady of the hour after that dude called. Either that song or I'll Be Home for Christmas by Michael Buble, because we're on our way home from Tampa and we like Christmas a lot.

Ok, well, maybe one day in the future we'll try to call again. Holla!

AC

So, a little silly, but we were laughing our heads off. I mean, literally everything in this email was a huge joke. We weren't quite sure ho she'd take it, but we figured it was funny, maybe she'd laugh. Whatever. Or maybe she'd call and be like--of COURSE I want you on my show DUHHH!

Well you guys....she emailed me back!

I couldn't hardly believe it.

For someone to be as popular as she is, I honestly thought she'd read that, think we were dumb, and press delete. But oh no my friends! Here is the response:

AC, I look forward to your call in the future.

And just so you know...I have 12 phone lines and 10 million listeners all fighting for those lines.

God bless Honey

Y'all I was DYING at this email. I sent it to my friend, and she sent back "lolllllll omg"

Just so you know, Delilah is SOOOOOO popular.  Also, the little addition of "God bless Honey" was the result of one of two things: 1) she thinks I have mental problems or 2) she thought I was being super duper sarcastic and wanted to throw it right back.

Well guess what Delilah you are SEW WRAWNG. We seriously were just having fun...and her response totally capped it off. I'm still lololololing.

I'm back!

What a hiatus, huh?

Its been awhile.

I've been off studying and bar examining. I really didn't want this to become a bar exam blog--I DO have a life outside of all that, after all.

I'll go into my experience this February at some point, but I almost don't want to without having results first. I feel like I want to know whether I was successful with my studying this time before I divulge my experience.

In the meantime, I'm job searching. I honestly don't know how to go about it. I mean, how do people even "get" jobs anymore? The last state job I had was procured by friends and former employers that pulled strings for me. During my 3L year, I sent a cover letter/resume combo to every firm in my hometown and some to surrounding cities--everything from one or two people, all the way to the big ones. I probably sent around 70 out. I got two responses of No. Just two. 68 firms completely ignored me.

Granted, that was 3L year. Who wants to risk it on a graduating law student. I felt pretty valuable at that point, mostly because I had just come out of some very successful trial competitions, had good summer experience, and was returning to an area I planned on staying in. (I have been told by family friends that are attorneys that, as a hiring criteria, they like to see locals returning because it means less of a chance for turnover in the future.) Additionally, at that point I hadn't gotten the opportunity to fail the bar exam 3 times. So...yeah. I thought I looked kinda ok.

Ultimately, I got nothing except those two letters. Now I'm terrified to start this process again. In the past bar administrations, it wasn't that big of a deal because I still had my job waiting for me. No need to job search and stress because I had a pretty rad employer who kept saying he'd keep me around to try again. Except this time because, well, 3 chances is a lot to give and more than I should have gotten. Now I'm scared that people are going to take one look at my resume and see "graduated: May 2010, bar passage: April 2012" (being optimistic here people) and go NOPE SHE'S STUPID and move to the next resume. I know I can't let that stop me, but its literally makes me SO NERVOUS.

I've been trying to talk to people I know, hoping that maybe something might come up again. Since this bar exam debacle, I've gotten a lot better at relying on God and His timing. Or at least I hope I have. I know I should be super upset about all this, but for some reason, I'm still pretty calm about it. I definitely feel some sense of urgency, but I'm not freaking out. Maybe its because results aren't in yet. I don't know.

If anyone has any attorney-related job searching tips they'd like to pass along, I'd greatly appreciate it. like I said, I've never gotten a job based off my excellent cover letter writing skills before, so I'm not exactly sure what people are looking for once an attorney is out in the world and not fresh out of law school.