Moving through

33 days left until the test starts.

I feel it, I really do. To be honest, I've had a really hard time being motivated this summer. The weird thing was, its not like I was putting it off....its more like--I just don't care to do anything. I didn't feel stressed about it at all.

Its recently begun to hit me more. I've felt the pressure to be more motivated. It wavers between "I can do this, its only one part" to "omg omg omg its the freaking end of June." My husband is trying to finish a very important Advanced Calculus class so he can get into his program and move on with his scholastic plan, so we're both a little stressed. Honestly, while he's been in the trenches with this calculus class, I've been content to just take care of him and the house and not even think about the bar. But my avoidance of my own issues can only last for so long.

Recently I've been feeling friends-type voids in my life. Most of the young couples at church have jobs and lives and it seems like we don't have much in common. Or they have kids, which means we have NOTHING in common. I recently reconnected with an old friend who now lives out west, and that has been really wonderful. We were estranged for a while for a variety of reasons, but we've talked more in the past few days than we have in probably a year and I realized that I missed it! We all need those types of people in our lives.

Work has been interesting. I haven't gotten a ton of hours, which is totally fine with me because it means more study time. I've really been struggling with not being super smug while working or embarrassed to be working there. When lawyers I've worked for/with/against, come through my line, I get very embarrassed and don't make eye contract. None have recognized me. I have a very unflattering uniform I have to wear and basically customers think because I'm a cashier, I'm dumber than a rock. Which we all know that isn't true, especially these days when all sorts of people take all sorts of jobs to make ends meet. I had a customer last week make some comment on my intelligence level IN FRONT OF ME and it took all I had not to climb over the counter and punch her in the face. Some days, when I hand people their receipt, I want to be like, "have a good day, I have a doctorate degree."

But of course I don't say anything. I just call BC on my break and cry and complain and I get my life back together and eat my PB&J and go back to work. I try to remember each day that I am supposed to be working hard for the Lord and not for men...which is not exactly what I'm doing. When I'm searching for that smuggy satisfaction that people need to recognize my brilliance, my motives aren't sincere and my efforts will not be blessed. How can I expect the Lord to bless my pursuits when I'm being egotistical and narcissistic?

Back to the bar. I came across a possible tutor for the FL portion the other day, but after talking, I'm not sure he's going to work out. Sometimes that happens, and you just have to be open to finding people who (1) mesh with your learning style and (2) you trust to help you succeed. I got some valuable input from him, however, and that's helped to shape how I'm studying now. I've been going over a different topic each day, just trying to get as far as I can, and do as much as a can, before moving on to something else. There are so many topics to cover for FL, so hopefully this tactic won't work against me.

I received an e-mail today (hi Kathryn!) who is retaking the FL bar, MBE section only. Despite how awful I feel for people who are retaking (being a 5th timer myself, I hate that ANYONE has to suffer more than once), it is helpful to be able to commiserate with others who have gone through/are going through the same sorts of things, especially in the same state. The encouragement is truly invaluable. The friend I went to Tampa with in February is retaking half as well again and we met up to study yesterday--it turned into mostly swapping stories and encouraging each other for an hour or so. Those sorts of things are very important, I think. When it seems like everyone else has passed you by and you're the only one left after everyone else has passed and you're still studying and unemployed and hating life....yeah, those chats become pretty important. Its so easy to get bogged down and feel like nothing will change by retaking the test, but it will! Just keep telling yourself IT WILL GET BETTER.

Ok, this is really long. This is what happens when I don't blog more often. Plus, you caught me on a super upbeat day, so don't get used to this kind of attitude :)

If you are the praying type, I sure could use it these days!