10.06.2013

Its that time of the year...

I can always tell when bar results come out...the emails start. I never get happy emails, only sad ones. Most of the time I read them and cry. I remember being in their shoes. The months of preparation, the brain dump, and the weeks of anticipation. And then complete let-down.

For those that have come here for encouragement, you have found it! I completely understand how each of you feels.

So where am I now? Working....and just....working. Realizing that real life is never disclosed to you while in law school. How many professors never really worked in the real world, or, if they did, they have been sworn to secrecy so students won't quit and stop paying tuition. Even so, even if we were warned, I'm sure none of us would have listened. We all thought WE were the exception.

A new girl just started in my office. I overheard her talking to some secretaries and I heard "LSAT." I immediately thought--OH NO. Poor girl! She must be warned! Run for your liiiiiiiiiife! But I kept all that to myself. I remember being there. It wouldn't matter...it never does. And to be fair, I don't hate the practice of law. At the end of the day, it is a noble profession. You are always learning, always trying to figure out how to think of something no one else has. Being in motion hearings/trial/whatever and having to think up something on the fly successfully can make you feel awesome. (Or super dumb, depending on what the surprise issue is.)

What makes our jobs tough are other people. If I could practice law all by myself, I'd be fine. Or, maybe practice with like 5 other lawyers I know. There's one girl in my office, and a couple other attorneys scattered across America. I think we could all get along pretty well. Alas, that's not the case. Somewhere along the line, "adversaries" became synonymous with "enemies." I get along with most male attorneys I sit across the table from, until I do something they don't like and they start trying to tell me "how these things are usually done, sweetie." Most female attorneys opposite my position are extremely hateful. Its frustrating, because I work really hard not to instigate or be difficult to work with. Recently, a few misunderstandings have led to several female adversaries to claim I'm being underhanded and malicious. Despite apologizing and working to be more clear and on top of things, I'm still being treated with contempt. Unfortunately, I've learned my age, gender, and level of experience means I have only two options on how to act: door mat or bit**. If you are nice, you get railroaded and your kindness is taken advantage of. If you stand your ground, you are the dreaded B WORD. I'm doing my best to take the high road.

I've really been struggling with this lately. I didn't intend for this post to go this direction, but its been on my mind a lot lately. I've also planned to pick up Unglued, by LysaTerKeurst. I honestly feel a bit unglued lately and I have literally no (local) attorney friends to talk to that are in the Christian faith. Yes, I can walk around, cursing everybody and everything. Yes, I can scream in my office about the idiots I come in contact with DAILY (and I have--so embarrassing). I need to get a grip no this. Stressful situations are a part of an attorneys life...nothing I'm experiencing is new to any lawyer. I just need to learn how to manage it all. And personally, I don't believe that managing it can be found at a bar, which is were a lot of stressed out professionals go. I believe I can solve it another way.

IN OTHER NEWS, I am going on almost 3 months of weight watchers, and I've lost 15 lbs! It's an AMAZING feeling, and I am LOVING how I feel! Man, going up the stairs is so much easier. Running is so much easier! Trying on clothes is so much easier! The other day I bought a size pants for work I have never worn. Maybe in like 5th grade or something, but its been many MANY years. I'm feeling so great, I don't EVER want to be back where I was!!

I'm also still rocking along in my wedding coordinating business. I had a wedding last weekend and I have one next month. I love it! Its SO much fun and I absolutely love helping brides have the perfect wedding day!

Ok. Well...I think that's enough for now. I'll try to make my posts a little more regular!

And, as always, if there are any bar un-passers out there, feel free to email me! (No such thing as a failer around here!)

4.27.2013

Forever ago

Does anyone even read this anymore? Sometimes I'll pull my blog page up and see my old posts and have awesome intentions to update, but never do.

I feel compelled to do so now, especially since bar results are currently coming out for the Feb 13 exam.

I see the hits on my page are up...and unfortunately, I usually know what that means.

For those of you that are here because you failed: don't lose hope! Don't lose heart! Stay strong, no matter what number exam this may be for you. I didn't pass the MBE until my 4th try and passed the FL portion on my 5th try. You CAN pass this test! I pray it doesn't take you as long as it took me, but never give up. Always keep trying.

For those that keep up with me from time to time: I am working. Always working. Currently, I'm spending my weekend cleaning and prepping for my jury trial week next week. I potentially have 3 that may go, but I'm only anticipating having to take 1. I'd rather not divulge too much more information if at all possible.

Being a real-life, practicing attorney is stressful. Its stress that I'd gladly take any day over bar stress, but its definitely stressful all on its own. I've made friends with a few of my co-workers and my supervisor is hilarious and ridiculous. When I started, I had a division partner that was very knowledgeable and super nice. It made the transition much easier.

Sometimes I forget where I came from, what it took for me to get here. I get really stressed out and anxious pretty easily and I'm trying to control that better. I know that I have much more stability now than I did with no job, and I try to remember that God has blessed me with this job, at this time, for a specific purpose. I'm trying to remember to keep an eye open for what my purpose is at this time.

Recently I had some physical issues to deal with, and that caused a scare. It dealt with my heart which made it even more stressful! I had to remember I was a strong person. I've gone through a bunch of junk and I needed to suck it up, undergo whatever procedures were necessary and be prepared for whatever lesson I was being taught through it. Thankfully the second procedure I went through showed us that the problem was much more minor than was anticipated, and I'm free to resume life as normal. It was a scary couple of months, but we're praising God all the day long!

My husband and I are also building a house right now, which is so completely dramatic all on its own, and WOAH there is like a million things to do with it. Thankfully, my Mom works in secondary marketing at a local bank and was able to hold our hands through all of this and help us understand all the junk we were having to sign and pay for. There is so much small print and let this be a warning: loan officers don't really pay attention to what you are signing...you better read that stuff carefully. We found a lot of mistakes that could have caused us trouble down the road. With a mortgage, you really have to look out for #1, which is terrifying because you have to sign like a million things that don't make any sense.

So there's the update. Work, heart stuff, house. 6 months in to my job and I still haven't figured out how to balance cleaning and doing stuff during the week or exercising.

Those out there that need to vent, complain, commiserate, hit me up! I've been there, done that. 5 times :)

10.01.2012

DELISH

I don't usually update THIS many times in a row, but I just have to share my new found love:

Jo's Candies, Dark Chocolate Salted Caramels.

People. This stuff is AMAZING. I cannot emphasize it enough. So far I've only been able to find it in packs of two (THE HORROR) at the World Market. And its a little pricey, so definitely a rare treat. I told BC today I never really indulged in anything delicious after results came out, so this was going to be part of it...I've had 4 so far today :)

I passed.

I have sat down so many times and thought--I need to update people. But things have been in the way.

Regardless...

I passed the bar exam!

There have been a lot of crazy days in the past few weeks. Results came out two weeks ago, on a Tuesday. This whole time, I didn't know what day they came out. After I went to Tampa I felt so bad about how the test went, I knew there was absolutely no way I passed.

In the meantime, I was working two part-time jobs. One I had worked off and on for the past 6 years (the owners are friends of mine) but the other job I basically hated. I learned a TON about myself and about how you should treat other people during this time though, so I know the Lord was teaching me a lot. A big lesson was that none of us is good, worthy, better, etc. We're all people and deserve to be treated with respect. Even the people who treat you like a complete idiot because you are behind a counter serving them. Even the people who have complete raging meltdowns at you because their coupon is out of date by two months. You know...those people.

Back to timelines. The Sunday night before results came out, I was laying in bed and these waves of anxiety were just running through my body. I felt like it was time to see when results came out. I checked the website and it said the next Tuesday. I was like...wow. Ok. Two days. The next day I went to work and tons of people from church came through my line. TONS. It was weird. I told my husband that I was worried what sort of omen that was!

Tuesday morning I woke up, made coffee, did some yoga in the living room and just hung out with my husband. Nothing major. A girl I knew who took the exam texted me and asked if I passed. Ummmm really? WHO DOES THAT? Especially when its someone you KNOW has failed several times!!! Listen, PSA here: Don't do that. Don't text someone and ask if they passed. Let them come to you. Just do that please.

Anyway, so I checked. I found my number and it said "PASS." I died. I screamed. I cried. I scream-sobbed. I collapsed on the floor. I ran around the house tearing up boxes looking for my number, just to check. Once it was finally confirmed many times over, my husband and I sat down, my a blubbery mess, and prayed. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pray and thank my Heavenly Father for His goodness. For not leaving me. For seeing me through. For teaching me things. For believing in me enough that I could handle all this. And knowing exactly how much I could handle before I completely lost my mind.

I'm here to tell you it can happen to you. You can fail. You can pass. It doesn't matter who you are, good and bad things happen to both good and bad people. But its all about how you handle it. Being a Christian doesn't mean its sunshine and butterflies 24/7. It means you rely on the Lord no matter what. That doesn't mean you don't cry out in anger in sadness. Or that you don't question and wonder out loud what is going on in your life. It means staying faithful through it all. Because there isn't any other choice.

If someone is going through this, bar exam or not, whatever, and you need to talk, please email me! I have heard from SO MANY people feeling completely alone because they have failed. Trust me, I KNOW how you feel. I know everything you are feeling. I've felt that way four times. People have criticized me a million times over for what I've done, how I've reacted, how I've studied, how I've remained faithful, how I've shared my heart, etc. But I don't share for the critics, I share for that person who is desperate to know they aren't alone.

I'm SO GRATEFUL for all the people I've met through this blogging process. In fact, I had a friend from Nevada (now Washington) send me flowers to congratulate me when I got my results! Besides the wonderful family and friends I have around me, I now have a worldwide circle of friends who have supported and prayed for me. I feel so loved and blessed :)

7.16.2012

I've been without social media for like a week.

I feel like I live in the African Congo.

I broke today and logged into Facebook and Twitter. BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I'm trying to stay super patient and be willing to accept whatever happens next week. NEXT WEEK. I WANNA DIE.

I've basically given myself two weeks to know everything in the universe. That's horrible to admit and if you're thinking "she's gonna fail again" well...I can't say I blame you. Cause I've thought it a lot too.

Anyway, I needed to be in touch with the world. I needed to feel like people haven't forgotten about me.

I don't know if I can actually express in words how ready I am to move on with my life. Anddddd I guess I just did.

7.03.2012

Oh Summery Judgment, how terribly neglected you are.

There are tons of stories that swirl around in my head. Things I'd like to share with all of you. Crazy stuff that happens to me in cashier-land, funny things Coco does, fears about THE TEST, etc. But somehow it never makes it on here.

I almost feel obligated, of sorts, to keep this up. I know there are several people out there who are going through an "I failed the bar exam" crisis and are looking for an outlet. More so than answer.com would say "You won't fail the bar, all you have to make is a D!"

Its ok, I've been there.

Several times.

Still, life moves on. In the process you may have to make decisions about your life. Is this really what you want to do? Is your heart leading you in a different career direction? (Confession...before I typed "career" I typed "job." There's a lesson in that I think.)

I get emails from time to time from people who say they read my blog and are thinking about me/praying for me, etc. Its very encouraging and I'm hoping they get a bit of encouragement here as well. I've never tried to mask what I feel...I've felt everything from rage to peace about this whole ride. I think that's important.

I met with my old tutor briefly on Saturday to get some tips about my essay writing. Basically, the first 20 minutes were devoted to him yelling at me about what I haven't done. (He gets me.) (Also: this is a good thing.) The reason this tutor works is because he basically gets down to the basics of everyone's issues and he hones in on them until you can't hide behind it anymore. Its fascinating, really. Anyway, my biggest problems are not organizing well enough, writing WAY TOO DANG MUCH, and not getting the buzzwords in. (CAN WE TAKE A MINUTE TO DISCUSS HOW MUCH I HATE THE WORD "BUZZWORD")

I'm thankful I only have to pass one part (one tiny glimmer of goodness from the state of Florida) and am praying I can get that magical 136 when I only have one section to depend on. Frankly the FL section terrifies me, and I'd much rather only have the MBE to tackle, but whatevs.

I put in my time off yesterday. I'm asking for essentially 3 weeks. I know its a long shot but good grief, I can't take this test anymore. I admitted to my boss this was my 5th try. Super embarrassing. I told her I have to pass. No more chances.

For today, however, I'm working. And thankful for the little tiny pay checks that have begun to roll in. The Lord is doing something huge here....I don't know what, but good grief, I'll be glad when I finally find out what it is.