That day was last Monday. Bar results came out. And...I didn't pass.
I was in NC with BC's family. They had throw us our first wedding shower that weekend, and we were also set to see Lady Gaga Sunday night. All of which we did and had a lot of fun at. Then Monday morning rolled around, and right before we hoped in the car, I saw it on the website.
I probably cried until we hit the SC/GA border. I just couldn't stop. The thoughts wouldn't stop swirling. I can't take this again/my heart can't take all this stress again/am I going to get fired/I AM MORTIFIED/how will I tell people/what will people think when they find out/I couldn't pass the test while not working, how am I going to do it again/is this what I'm supposed to do with my life/is God trying to tell me something/I can't cut back my hours, we can't afford it/what if I don't pass again/omg I'm getting married in November/when am I supposed to finish planning/I have a jillion invitations and thank you notes to do/I want to jump off a bridge.
Yeah, I was going nuts for a little while.
It hurt to see the fb posts of all my classmates, seeing they passed. My other intern co-worker that passed. Knowing I was the ONLY person I knew who didn't pass. I was embarrassed. I felt dumb.
Good news: didn't get fired. My bosses were all very nice. HR told me they would give me some admin leave once it gets closer. Other bosses said to bring my books to work to study. My concern is all the work I have to do--the trials, motion hearings, research, etc. I just want to ensure it all gets done.
BC and I also discussed amping up our free time to make sure all the wedding stuff is planned and done asap. I will need my nights and weekends to study again, so we need all that to be done.
More than anything, I can already tell God has grown me through this. I obviously wasn't prepared, but I will be next time. I haven't started studying yet, I still need a little more time. Yes, I am still very embarrassed. Yes, I'm concerned I will run out of time. Yes, I'll need to be more focused than ever now. But I feel different this go around. During the summer, I prayed for strength, confidence, focused attention, motivatation....and never felt like I got those things. Funny enough, now here's my opportunity to be strong, confident, focused, and motivated. BC told me, God never gives us more than we can handle. I guess I was the only person I knew that could handle something like this. So I guess I have to now!
Back to work.