I feel really beat down. This bar mess has really been a lesson in delayed gratification. Probably the hardest thing in the world has been to watch everyone around me scurry off into their professional lives while I'm stuck in my little pothole. I described that to someone the other day, that I feel like I've been stuck in a pothole for a year now, just grinding my wheels, going deeper. I am terrified of failing again. The thought of having to go to Tampa for a third time and sit in that giant room with 4,000 people makes me start shallow breathing and get all sweaty and teary.
I have to go back to work for a week starting Monday. I'm trying to prepare myself of the barrage of "how's studying going?" and "you're studying hard, aren't you?" questions and practicing my sweet "yes I sure am!" smile. Which is always inevitable followed up with "Oh, you'll get it this time, I know it." Which stabs me straight to the core because that's what I've heard for a year now. A WHOLE YEAR. Part of me wants to make a sign for net week to hang around my neck that reads "DON'T ask me about the bar."
Whatever, this wasn't that important to warrant a post, I guess. I just needed to throw it out there. Nobody really wants to hear that stuff. Too negative. Stay positive!, they say. Easy to say when you aren't in it. Either way, it needs to get out of my head.
Say a little prayer, I feel like I'm losing my mind and its not even July yet.