I realize that I don't update like I should. I feel like most of the time I would end up telling y'all the same thing. Bar exam, no money, life, husband, puppy, food, no money, bar exam, bar exam.
Thats how things go around here, folks.
We lose insurance coverage in 15 days.
So...that's cool I guess.
Legally Fab sent me some of her bar review books in the mail so I could check out a different study method for the next bar exam. I got them yesterday, spent some time perusing and reading out loud to hubs (which he LOVED, let me tell you), and I purchased the online section today. I'm so hoping for a different outcome this time.
I've also tried to contact with some private tutors for individualized help. I mean, being on bar attempt #4 clearly means I need some help somewhere.
I'm writing because this morning totally threw me for a loop.
I was fine yesterday. I got the books. I was pumped to get started early. I was ready. I had confidence I could succeed.
I woke up this morning shaking. Anxious from the second I opened my eyeballs. No clue whatsoever. Just a complete mess. Cried in the shower. Bawled, actually. Two issues: (1) I can't do this again. I cannot take failing. (2) The Bible says if a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat.
Remember, when we bawl our eyes out in the shower, we are not always the most rational of thinkers.
I woke BC up this morning crying, which I have learned is a terrifying way for him to wake up because he has no idea what is going on. We talked for a while and he gave me plenty of big hugs.
My biggest thing was not being able to do this again. I mean, yesterday I was fine. I was so fine with all of this. I woke up today completely anxiety-ridden. Shaking. I WOKE UP THIS WAY. I barely got a chance to think and I was already going bananas.
I realized this morning that I am completely crippled by fear. Like, full-on terror. I am under this huge weight and I feel like I can barely breathe. Sometimes I'm fine. I'm totally gung-ho and super excited and motivated. But other days....and I feel like most days.....I'm a total mess.
I've been praying for strength and peace a lot lately. BC and I are really being attacked by satan a lot these days. We're easy targets I guess. But, even as bananas as I go, and despite how much I bawl in the shower, my faith remains. I have little to no confidence in myself, which I definitely need to work on, but I have all confidence in the Lord. And at the moment, that is what's getting me through.
I don't know if anyone else feels like their emotions are on roller coasters. All this back and forth is driving me insane. I'm just trying to hold on to the good times.