I realize that I don't update like I should. I feel like most of the time I would end up telling y'all the same thing. Bar exam, no money, life, husband, puppy, food, no money, bar exam, bar exam.

Thats how things go around here, folks.

We lose insurance coverage in 15 days.

So...that's cool I guess.

Legally Fab sent me some of her bar review books in the mail so I could check out a different study method for the next bar exam. I got them yesterday, spent some time perusing and reading out loud to hubs (which he LOVED, let me tell you), and I purchased the online section today. I'm so hoping for a different outcome this time.

I've also tried to contact with some private tutors for individualized help. I mean, being on bar attempt #4 clearly means I need some help somewhere.

I'm writing because this morning totally threw me for a loop.

I was fine yesterday. I got the books. I was pumped to get started early. I was ready. I had confidence I could succeed.

I woke up this morning shaking. Anxious from the second I opened my eyeballs. No clue whatsoever. Just a complete mess. Cried in the shower. Bawled, actually. Two issues: (1) I can't do this again. I cannot take failing. (2) The Bible says if a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat.

Remember, when we bawl our eyes out in the shower, we are not always the most rational of thinkers.

I woke BC up this morning crying, which I have learned is a terrifying way for him to wake up because he has no idea what is going on. We talked for a while and he gave me plenty of big hugs.

My biggest thing was not being able to do this again. I mean, yesterday I was fine. I was so fine with all of this. I woke up today completely anxiety-ridden. Shaking. I WOKE UP THIS WAY. I barely got a chance to think and I was already going bananas.

I realized this morning that I am completely crippled by fear. Like, full-on terror. I am under this huge weight and I feel like I can barely breathe. Sometimes I'm fine. I'm totally gung-ho and super excited and motivated. But other days....and I feel like most days.....I'm a total mess.

I've been praying for strength and peace a lot lately. BC and I are really being attacked by satan a lot these days. We're easy targets I guess. But, even as bananas as I go, and despite how much I bawl in the shower, my faith remains. I have little to no confidence in myself, which I definitely need to work on, but I have all confidence in the Lord. And at the moment, that is what's getting me through.

I don't know if anyone else feels like their emotions are on roller coasters. All this back and forth is driving me insane. I'm just trying to hold on to the good times.


Anonymous said...

i am so impressed with your attitude. i've said it before and i'll likely say it again. but my goodness.

i'm so very sorry you have to go through all of this. the only bit of advice i can offer is for the anxiety. i have crippling anxiety (panic attack and then cant even study because i'm so jumpy) and started anti-anxiety meds while studying for the bar. made a world of difference. if the anxiety continues, talk to your doctor.


Legally Fabulous said...

hugs. i wish I could come up with a suggestion for dealing with the anxiety that wouldn't cost a million dollars. hypnosis? meditation? saying a prayer for peace for you.

Amanda said...

I'm newish to your blog, but wanted to say that I know that feeling. Not fabulous. I will certainly be praying for you! The Bible says that God keeps us in "perfect peace" when our mind is set on him. I'm hoping some of that peace makes its way to you soon! :)

amy (metz) walker said...

My heart is just aching for you! It is SO hard to want something and to be so close and have it stay just out of grasp!

As a fellow person-with-anxiety, I get it! Not gonna try to say anything to "help" because it always feels flat when people try with me...but I'm hopeful for you!

Tree Hugging (Almost) Attorney said...

I totally feel you.
Sending you lots of love and light via the blogosphere.

Brittany said...

Ohh hunny... I will write you both in my prayer binder I've been using during my quiet times.

There is a reason behind this, as awful as it all seems. Just keep your eyes focused on the Lord and he will hold you through it. You're pretty lucky to have a husband who is willing to hold you through it too. :)

Bar prep doesn't start until Dec/Jan right? Maybe spend some time in the book of Job. Talk about someone who was challenged and pressed and had every reason to bawl his eyes out in the shower! But he still trusted God. That book usually puts me back in my place of awe in front of God, instead of terror in this world.

You CAN do this. You also deserve a little break. The Lord will take care of you, even in light of your fears of insurance, and money, and life in general. It will be OK somehow.

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

E.H. said...

Hugs. I understand the anxiety and how it can just completely undermine your confidence. It *sucks*.

You're doing all the right things, you have a great husband, and you'll get there.