DELISH

I don't usually update THIS many times in a row, but I just have to share my new found love:

Jo's Candies, Dark Chocolate Salted Caramels.

People. This stuff is AMAZING. I cannot emphasize it enough. So far I've only been able to find it in packs of two (THE HORROR) at the World Market. And its a little pricey, so definitely a rare treat. I told BC today I never really indulged in anything delicious after results came out, so this was going to be part of it...I've had 4 so far today :)

I passed.

I have sat down so many times and thought--I need to update people. But things have been in the way.

Regardless...

I passed the bar exam!

There have been a lot of crazy days in the past few weeks. Results came out two weeks ago, on a Tuesday. This whole time, I didn't know what day they came out. After I went to Tampa I felt so bad about how the test went, I knew there was absolutely no way I passed.

In the meantime, I was working two part-time jobs. One I had worked off and on for the past 6 years (the owners are friends of mine) but the other job I basically hated. I learned a TON about myself and about how you should treat other people during this time though, so I know the Lord was teaching me a lot. A big lesson was that none of us is good, worthy, better, etc. We're all people and deserve to be treated with respect. Even the people who treat you like a complete idiot because you are behind a counter serving them. Even the people who have complete raging meltdowns at you because their coupon is out of date by two months. You know...those people.

Back to timelines. The Sunday night before results came out, I was laying in bed and these waves of anxiety were just running through my body. I felt like it was time to see when results came out. I checked the website and it said the next Tuesday. I was like...wow. Ok. Two days. The next day I went to work and tons of people from church came through my line. TONS. It was weird. I told my husband that I was worried what sort of omen that was!

Tuesday morning I woke up, made coffee, did some yoga in the living room and just hung out with my husband. Nothing major. A girl I knew who took the exam texted me and asked if I passed. Ummmm really? WHO DOES THAT? Especially when its someone you KNOW has failed several times!!! Listen, PSA here: Don't do that. Don't text someone and ask if they passed. Let them come to you. Just do that please.

Anyway, so I checked. I found my number and it said "PASS." I died. I screamed. I cried. I scream-sobbed. I collapsed on the floor. I ran around the house tearing up boxes looking for my number, just to check. Once it was finally confirmed many times over, my husband and I sat down, my a blubbery mess, and prayed. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pray and thank my Heavenly Father for His goodness. For not leaving me. For seeing me through. For teaching me things. For believing in me enough that I could handle all this. And knowing exactly how much I could handle before I completely lost my mind.

I'm here to tell you it can happen to you. You can fail. You can pass. It doesn't matter who you are, good and bad things happen to both good and bad people. But its all about how you handle it. Being a Christian doesn't mean its sunshine and butterflies 24/7. It means you rely on the Lord no matter what. That doesn't mean you don't cry out in anger in sadness. Or that you don't question and wonder out loud what is going on in your life. It means staying faithful through it all. Because there isn't any other choice.

If someone is going through this, bar exam or not, whatever, and you need to talk, please email me! I have heard from SO MANY people feeling completely alone because they have failed. Trust me, I KNOW how you feel. I know everything you are feeling. I've felt that way four times. People have criticized me a million times over for what I've done, how I've reacted, how I've studied, how I've remained faithful, how I've shared my heart, etc. But I don't share for the critics, I share for that person who is desperate to know they aren't alone.

I'm SO GRATEFUL for all the people I've met through this blogging process. In fact, I had a friend from Nevada (now Washington) send me flowers to congratulate me when I got my results! Besides the wonderful family and friends I have around me, I now have a worldwide circle of friends who have supported and prayed for me. I feel so loved and blessed :)

I've been without social media for like a week.

I feel like I live in the African Congo.

I broke today and logged into Facebook and Twitter. BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I'm trying to stay super patient and be willing to accept whatever happens next week. NEXT WEEK. I WANNA DIE.

I've basically given myself two weeks to know everything in the universe. That's horrible to admit and if you're thinking "she's gonna fail again" well...I can't say I blame you. Cause I've thought it a lot too.

Anyway, I needed to be in touch with the world. I needed to feel like people haven't forgotten about me.

I don't know if I can actually express in words how ready I am to move on with my life. Anddddd I guess I just did.

Oh Summery Judgment, how terribly neglected you are.

There are tons of stories that swirl around in my head. Things I'd like to share with all of you. Crazy stuff that happens to me in cashier-land, funny things Coco does, fears about THE TEST, etc. But somehow it never makes it on here.

I almost feel obligated, of sorts, to keep this up. I know there are several people out there who are going through an "I failed the bar exam" crisis and are looking for an outlet. More so than answer.com would say "You won't fail the bar, all you have to make is a D!"

Its ok, I've been there.

Several times.

Still, life moves on. In the process you may have to make decisions about your life. Is this really what you want to do? Is your heart leading you in a different career direction? (Confession...before I typed "career" I typed "job." There's a lesson in that I think.)

I get emails from time to time from people who say they read my blog and are thinking about me/praying for me, etc. Its very encouraging and I'm hoping they get a bit of encouragement here as well. I've never tried to mask what I feel...I've felt everything from rage to peace about this whole ride. I think that's important.

I met with my old tutor briefly on Saturday to get some tips about my essay writing. Basically, the first 20 minutes were devoted to him yelling at me about what I haven't done. (He gets me.) (Also: this is a good thing.) The reason this tutor works is because he basically gets down to the basics of everyone's issues and he hones in on them until you can't hide behind it anymore. Its fascinating, really. Anyway, my biggest problems are not organizing well enough, writing WAY TOO DANG MUCH, and not getting the buzzwords in. (CAN WE TAKE A MINUTE TO DISCUSS HOW MUCH I HATE THE WORD "BUZZWORD")

I'm thankful I only have to pass one part (one tiny glimmer of goodness from the state of Florida) and am praying I can get that magical 136 when I only have one section to depend on. Frankly the FL section terrifies me, and I'd much rather only have the MBE to tackle, but whatevs.

I put in my time off yesterday. I'm asking for essentially 3 weeks. I know its a long shot but good grief, I can't take this test anymore. I admitted to my boss this was my 5th try. Super embarrassing. I told her I have to pass. No more chances.

For today, however, I'm working. And thankful for the little tiny pay checks that have begun to roll in. The Lord is doing something huge here....I don't know what, but good grief, I'll be glad when I finally find out what it is.

Moving through

33 days left until the test starts.

I feel it, I really do. To be honest, I've had a really hard time being motivated this summer. The weird thing was, its not like I was putting it off....its more like--I just don't care to do anything. I didn't feel stressed about it at all.

Its recently begun to hit me more. I've felt the pressure to be more motivated. It wavers between "I can do this, its only one part" to "omg omg omg its the freaking end of June." My husband is trying to finish a very important Advanced Calculus class so he can get into his program and move on with his scholastic plan, so we're both a little stressed. Honestly, while he's been in the trenches with this calculus class, I've been content to just take care of him and the house and not even think about the bar. But my avoidance of my own issues can only last for so long.

Recently I've been feeling friends-type voids in my life. Most of the young couples at church have jobs and lives and it seems like we don't have much in common. Or they have kids, which means we have NOTHING in common. I recently reconnected with an old friend who now lives out west, and that has been really wonderful. We were estranged for a while for a variety of reasons, but we've talked more in the past few days than we have in probably a year and I realized that I missed it! We all need those types of people in our lives.

Work has been interesting. I haven't gotten a ton of hours, which is totally fine with me because it means more study time. I've really been struggling with not being super smug while working or embarrassed to be working there. When lawyers I've worked for/with/against, come through my line, I get very embarrassed and don't make eye contract. None have recognized me. I have a very unflattering uniform I have to wear and basically customers think because I'm a cashier, I'm dumber than a rock. Which we all know that isn't true, especially these days when all sorts of people take all sorts of jobs to make ends meet. I had a customer last week make some comment on my intelligence level IN FRONT OF ME and it took all I had not to climb over the counter and punch her in the face. Some days, when I hand people their receipt, I want to be like, "have a good day, I have a doctorate degree."

But of course I don't say anything. I just call BC on my break and cry and complain and I get my life back together and eat my PB&J and go back to work. I try to remember each day that I am supposed to be working hard for the Lord and not for men...which is not exactly what I'm doing. When I'm searching for that smuggy satisfaction that people need to recognize my brilliance, my motives aren't sincere and my efforts will not be blessed. How can I expect the Lord to bless my pursuits when I'm being egotistical and narcissistic?

Back to the bar. I came across a possible tutor for the FL portion the other day, but after talking, I'm not sure he's going to work out. Sometimes that happens, and you just have to be open to finding people who (1) mesh with your learning style and (2) you trust to help you succeed. I got some valuable input from him, however, and that's helped to shape how I'm studying now. I've been going over a different topic each day, just trying to get as far as I can, and do as much as a can, before moving on to something else. There are so many topics to cover for FL, so hopefully this tactic won't work against me.

I received an e-mail today (hi Kathryn!) who is retaking the FL bar, MBE section only. Despite how awful I feel for people who are retaking (being a 5th timer myself, I hate that ANYONE has to suffer more than once), it is helpful to be able to commiserate with others who have gone through/are going through the same sorts of things, especially in the same state. The encouragement is truly invaluable. The friend I went to Tampa with in February is retaking half as well again and we met up to study yesterday--it turned into mostly swapping stories and encouraging each other for an hour or so. Those sorts of things are very important, I think. When it seems like everyone else has passed you by and you're the only one left after everyone else has passed and you're still studying and unemployed and hating life....yeah, those chats become pretty important. Its so easy to get bogged down and feel like nothing will change by retaking the test, but it will! Just keep telling yourself IT WILL GET BETTER.

Ok, this is really long. This is what happens when I don't blog more often. Plus, you caught me on a super upbeat day, so don't get used to this kind of attitude :)

If you are the praying type, I sure could use it these days!

Anticlimactic

I didn't pass. I mean, I did, sort of, but not totally. I passed the MBE and failed FL. I'm trying again for the 5th time this July.

At this point, its whatever. That was...a month ago? I don't know. I've accepted and moved on.

I had grandiose plans to spill my heart all over this blog about introspection and what not, but that's all gone now.

I got a part time job at a grocery store a couple days a week while I study (WOOOO $9 AN HOURRRRR). I should start next week. I'm still working at the monogram shop too, slapping monograms all over everything I own.

In other news, I've lost like 10 pounds since Easter. That rocks. About a week ago I bought a $10 pair of jeans at the Loft. While that alone is awesome, it was in a size I'm pretty sure I've never been. It felt amazing and still feel amazing when I put them on. Now that I've got a smidge of weight off, I'm hoping to get back to running.

Husband is taking summer classes, one being Spanish. I knew some Spanish once, so its fun relearning it with him. We have little conversations about colors and classmates and family members and traveling.

Also, in case you live on Mars, its the NBA playoffs. While I'm a lil sad that the Mavs aren't in it this year, I'm all about ABH now--Anybody But the Heat. There's just something about LeBron James that deserves a face punch. Plus, can we just all agree that Dwyane Wade has a misspelled name? Yes? Ok, thank you.