I didn't want this to become a bar blog. I would love for this to be an anything-but-the-bar blog. But that's whats going on right now.

I'm really struggling right now becuase I am not understanding anything. I have seen this freaking stuff four times. FOUR TIMES. How stupid do you have to be to not get something after four times??? I read this stuff, and I recognize it, I totally recognize it. But its completely foreign to me. Like it never actually sinks in. I turn around and do practice questions and its like nothing.

I had a good session (or so I thought) with my tutor on hearsay on Monday. So good, that he told me he thought I did amazing. He sent me some questions to do. I got them back and got over half of them wrong. The worst part was going back over the answers. I mean, I can see where those answers are right but I clearly thought mine were originally right. If I took that same test in a few weeks, I don't think I would do any better than I did the other day.

That's terrifying.

How am I actually ever going to pass this thing? I'm doing as well right now as I've pretty much done every other time. I'm all out of chances. My parents have spent $3000 on bar exams. $4000 on hotels. $3000 on a tutor. And for what? A failure for a child. They're also paying pretty much everything for us. I can't work, I can't find a job that will work around this insane schedule. My husband is in school full time. And its all my fault. We actually, literally, wouldn't be able to survive if they didn't do all this. No, I take that back. Without their help, I never would have made it past July 2010. I would have had to get a job, move on, and take it some other time.

What am I complaining for, right? I am taken care of.


Sometimes its hard to see all that when you feel completely hopeless.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow morning, that's usually how these things go. But I have felt just so dang depressed today. Seeing no improvement in my scores, in my ability to remember anything. Its distressing. I fell like I've done nothing but waste more money, more time. 

And I'm really afraid this time the result is going to be exactly the same.


Tree Hugging (Almost) Attorney said...

I studied Contracts for (legitimately) 8 hours the other day. I read the tutor's outline, which, I will say - is WAY better than Barbri's armadillo eating tacos pneumonic nonsense. I thought I had a hold on it. For real. Then I did my requisite 100 problems - and scored a whopping 53%. So you know, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. In the depression. The fear. The angst. I read a quote the other day that said we always fear the most that which we have already been through. Though I know such sentiment is aimed at things that matter WAY more than this, I couldn't help but think it was written about failing this stupid test. Of course we fear failing again. Because we know how crappy is it to fail. I want to be positive, but it's a struggle. To say the absolute least. Have a glass of wine and revisit it tomorrow. Knowing you're out there makes this easier on me. Hopefully vice versa?

Anonymous said...

you are absolutely NOT a "failure of a child." this test does not define who you are and what you're capable of. it's an absurd waste of time designed only to protect rich guys' jobs and limiting competition,

you are an incredibly kind and successful woman. do not forget that.

Jane said...

I'm 100% sure your parents are GLAD to do this for you. As they tell us all the time, we will understand when we are parents. :) Mine took care of me through my figuring-out-what-to-do-next phase and while it wasn't the bar exam, it was moving from here to there, needing places to live, figuring out which college I wanted to go to and so on.

Are you still running? This is going to sound corny, but if you are not, you need to get back out there. Or exercise vigorously every day. That will do WONDERS for your brain, I promise! And your peace of mind and your feelings of depression. Proven science. Its why I'm addicted.

And I'm going to be saying prayers about this. So you chin up and hang in there, girl. You are more amazing than you know.

Carmen said...

I wanted to send you a virtual hug and say that maybe you need a confidence boost? I know when I was studying for the stupid LSAT (ugh!) it crushed my confidence in the beginning and it was like a self fulfilling prophecy. Then I decided to stop and do things that made me feel confident and in the "zone" before trying again. I really, really, hope you pass it soon and also, you are not a failure. Just because you didn't pass it the first few times, that does NOT make you any less of a person or a failure in any way.

Jenna Renee said...

Hey! I'm over here checking out your blog, especially since I'm in your online Bible study group! I too am studying for the Bar AGAIN. You are not alone. As for feeling like a failure, I can be certain that you are not. I too have feelings like that, but we just need to keep moving on and realize that God must be putting us through these trials for a reason.


Jackie said...

My gosh, your post expresses exactly what I feel right now. Just checked my score for the past Feb. bar exam and learned that I failed for the 4th time. I too feel like a complete failure and am upset that my parents have had to pay so much money just for me to fail again and again. But enough with that negativity. It just feels pretty good to know that I'm not alone and the comments from your lovely followers help,too.

Anyway, I am aware that you are taking the bar again(maybe you have already) and I just want you to know that this girl in Mississippi is praying for you.

Be blessed.