I'm really struggling right now becuase I am not understanding anything. I have seen this freaking stuff four times. FOUR TIMES. How stupid do you have to be to not get something after four times??? I read this stuff, and I recognize it, I totally recognize it. But its completely foreign to me. Like it never actually sinks in. I turn around and do practice questions and its like nothing.
I had a good session (or so I thought) with my tutor on hearsay on Monday. So good, that he told me he thought I did amazing. He sent me some questions to do. I got them back and got over half of them wrong. The worst part was going back over the answers. I mean, I can see where those answers are right but I clearly thought mine were originally right. If I took that same test in a few weeks, I don't think I would do any better than I did the other day.
How am I actually ever going to pass this thing? I'm doing as well right now as I've pretty much done every other time. I'm all out of chances. My parents have spent $3000 on bar exams. $4000 on hotels. $3000 on a tutor. And for what? A failure for a child. They're also paying pretty much everything for us. I can't work, I can't find a job that will work around this insane schedule. My husband is in school full time. And its all my fault. We actually, literally, wouldn't be able to survive if they didn't do all this. No, I take that back. Without their help, I never would have made it past July 2010. I would have had to get a job, move on, and take it some other time.
What am I complaining for, right? I am taken care of.
Sometimes its hard to see all that when you feel completely hopeless.
I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow morning, that's usually how these things go. But I have felt just so dang depressed today. Seeing no improvement in my scores, in my ability to remember anything. Its distressing. I fell like I've done nothing but waste more money, more time.
And I'm really afraid this time the result is going to be exactly the same.