My place + running

Husband set me up a place in our tiny office for me. In the past its mostly been his space, plus and extra table for me to dump my junk at. (Y'ALL WE LIVE IN THE SMALLEST TOWNHOUSE ON THE PLANET AND HAVE NO PLACE TO STORE ALL OUR VERY SUPER IMPORTANT JUNK.) Its nice though. All my pretty diplomas and awards and junk up no the wall. We got some more storage containers (which he spray painted black and look great, I must say) and everything looks nice. We tried to stick with black accented stuff in the office instead of brown. I always felt like brown was a very particular color. Can be touch to match. Black is easy. So black it is.

I'm getting prepared to get back to studying. I'm going out on a (very expensive) limb and picking up a tutor this time around. I clearly need help. Which sucks because I've never "clearly needed help" in my academic life, ever. If I don't get some help though, I'm completely headed for defeat. As much as I don't like admitting it, I need someone to fix this mess.

I contacted a few different people, some in Florida, some not. I've decided to go with a tutor out of New York. I know I need a lot of help with MBE stuff and writing. I think I'm writing ok (flows, sounds good), I just know I'm not pointing out enough stuff.

I'm oddly looking forward to it--I'm just deathly terrified because its so expensive!! I'm so scared that I'm going to spend a ton of money on this dang tutor and still fail again. Any longer and I'm going to spend what I spent on tuition on freaking studying for and taking this dumb test so many times.

Not going to be negative. Nope. Started running again and the endorphins have really helped my mood. I'm not even a runner. I just turned on the treadmill, put on an Office episode, and before I knew it I had ran for a mile and didn't even realize it. It was great. I'm like the slowest runner ever and my face gets really red, but pushing myself like that has really made me feel like I can do stuff. I keep seeing all these dumb motivational running posters all over Pinterest:
"the only one stopping you is you"
"I wanted to quit because I was suffering, that wasn't a good enough reason"
"everything you're running away from is in your head"
"someone who is busier than you is running right now"

Anyway. Our church has started this group thing where we meet at the church one day a week for a short devotional and then we talk about one fitness topic and then go to a local walking park to start training for a 5K. BC and I are doing it because it is something fun to do together, free, and we get to associate with other church members and worship a bit in the process. HOWEVER: I am very self-conscious running in front of other people I know. We have some very fit people that go to church with us. Very fit, trim, thin. I told one of the teachers today that if I show up on Tuesday and its a bunch of skinny people I'm NOT coming back. She laughed. I wasn't kidding.

Dumb things at work.

I work part-time at a small monogram shop in my hometown. I worked for them forever ago, right out of undergrad, and before I went to law school. (Side story there--couldn't find a job to SAVE MY LIFE once I graduated from college. Ended up at a monogram shop, workin' retail. Yep. I liked it WAY better though because the owners are amazing.) Anyway, the shop has since changed names and moved to a different location in town, one with much less vagrant homeless and more delicious nearby eateries. I wandered in one day a couple months ago to check out the new location, chatted with one of the owners, and she asked if I wanted to pick up some Saturdays. Always one needing money (and possibly seeing the bar exam writing on the wall, as it were), I said yes.

After years of working in that store, I have a few stories to tell, naturally.

A fun one happened via phone this past Saturday:

*ring ring* *ring ring*

Me: Thanks for calling The XYZ Monogram Shop.

Caller: Hi, ummmm, yeahhhhh, I have a question.

Me: (already annoyed) Okay.

Caller: Yeah, so ummmmmm I have something I need to get monogrammed.

*pause*

Me: Okay.

Caller: I need to know if I brought it in, when can I pick it up.

**Note: it is 3:40 pm at this point. We close at 4.

Me: Well, if you brought it in today, the pick-up would be for the 27th. Any earlier would be a $5 rush fee.

Caller: Oh reeeeally? I can't drop it off and get it back today?

Me: Um, no, sorry.

Caller: Really? I can't do that?

Me: Yeah, no. The owner who runs the machines was in today, but we're about to close and she isn't coming back in.

Caller: Oh. Okay. Well, do you know somewhere I can take it to get it done today?

Me: No.

Caller: What about tomorrow? Could you do it tomorrow?

Me: (about to throw the phone out onto the highway) No. We aren't open on Sundays.

Caller: Really? Oh.

*pause*

Caller: Do you know somewhere I can get it done on Sunday?

Me: No. Look, this town isn't that big. Most places that do stuff like this are small shops/boutiques and they are definitely NOT going to be open on Sundays.

Caller: Oh really? Ohhhhh wowwwww. Ok. Well, thanks.


I just hung up the phone at that point. I wish there was some way to properly convey the spacey sounding voice I heard on the phone. But alas, I cannot. I'm sure you can use your imagination. I swear if that caller is the future of our generation, we're in trouble.




Also, just because you work retail, you aren't stupid. Although most people would like to treat you that way. Boo.

Ughh.

I realize that I don't update like I should. I feel like most of the time I would end up telling y'all the same thing. Bar exam, no money, life, husband, puppy, food, no money, bar exam, bar exam.

Thats how things go around here, folks.

We lose insurance coverage in 15 days.

So...that's cool I guess.

Legally Fab sent me some of her bar review books in the mail so I could check out a different study method for the next bar exam. I got them yesterday, spent some time perusing and reading out loud to hubs (which he LOVED, let me tell you), and I purchased the online section today. I'm so hoping for a different outcome this time.

I've also tried to contact with some private tutors for individualized help. I mean, being on bar attempt #4 clearly means I need some help somewhere.

I'm writing because this morning totally threw me for a loop.

I was fine yesterday. I got the books. I was pumped to get started early. I was ready. I had confidence I could succeed.

I woke up this morning shaking. Anxious from the second I opened my eyeballs. No clue whatsoever. Just a complete mess. Cried in the shower. Bawled, actually. Two issues: (1) I can't do this again. I cannot take failing. (2) The Bible says if a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat.

Remember, when we bawl our eyes out in the shower, we are not always the most rational of thinkers.

I woke BC up this morning crying, which I have learned is a terrifying way for him to wake up because he has no idea what is going on. We talked for a while and he gave me plenty of big hugs.

My biggest thing was not being able to do this again. I mean, yesterday I was fine. I was so fine with all of this. I woke up today completely anxiety-ridden. Shaking. I WOKE UP THIS WAY. I barely got a chance to think and I was already going bananas.

I realized this morning that I am completely crippled by fear. Like, full-on terror. I am under this huge weight and I feel like I can barely breathe. Sometimes I'm fine. I'm totally gung-ho and super excited and motivated. But other days....and I feel like most days.....I'm a total mess.

I've been praying for strength and peace a lot lately. BC and I are really being attacked by satan a lot these days. We're easy targets I guess. But, even as bananas as I go, and despite how much I bawl in the shower, my faith remains. I have little to no confidence in myself, which I definitely need to work on, but I have all confidence in the Lord. And at the moment, that is what's getting me through.

I don't know if anyone else feels like their emotions are on roller coasters. All this back and forth is driving me insane. I'm just trying to hold on to the good times.

Mellowcreme

I love Halloween. It is seriously so much fun. Growing up I never understood why some kids parents wouldn't let them go trick-or-treating. I was like "UMMM HELLO. You put on a costume, any costume, or just dress normal, or whatever, and PEOPLE GIVE YOU FREE CANDY!!!!! IT'S LIKE THE BEST DEAL EVER."

Either way, BC and I have decided the only way to not gain a million pounds this time of year by eating all the candy we buy, we have to buy stuff we hate.

HOWEVER. This is definitely on the candy list this year. It just has to be.

Oh yes. Mellowcreme pumpkins. So delicious. Not candy corn. BARF. Just the pumpkins.

I might actually eat the whole entire bag on my own. 

I failed the bar exam three times.

Wow. I was really hoping I wouldn't ever have the occasion to type that.

(WARNING: this is going to be really long. Introspective and what not.)

Its been a few days since the news broke. Florida results came out Monday morning around 9:10. Same as they have for the past two administrations. I was alone in my office when I saw them. Scrolled down to my little number and there it was: FAIL. Same as it was for the past two administrations. At first I honestly thought I read the wrong number. But...I knew I had it right.

I walked out of my office, told the secretaries I had failed again, and walked into my boss' office to call the big bosses to let them know. At 9:20, I started packing up my office. At 9:30, I left my job. Officially unemployed.

Let me back up a bit.

Sunday morning the sermon at church was on "news." At first I thought, it will be about the Good News and it won't have anything to do with bar exam/stress/adversity/etc. Nope. The first point from the preacher was "there is bad news." My husband let his chin hit his chest and said "oh great" out loud. I told him I was sure the next point would be that there would be good news, and it was. But it was still a little unsettling that that was the first point. The preacher read about Job, specifically Job 1:13-21. After all the bad stuff happened to Job, he got upset, but still praised the Lord. At the end of the sermon, the preacher said something to the extent of--tomorrow, in times of bad news and adversity, how are you going to praise the name of the Lord?

And all I would think of was--really?? REALLY??? PLEASE NO!!!!!

Yep. It happened.

The morning before I woke up for work on Monday, I had a dream that I passed the bar exam. Very strange. It was very specific and super realistic feeling. Oddly enough, in the dream, my Dad had helped me secure a second job at a local Winn-Dixie (grocery store for those not in the know) and was very upset when I told him I wouldn't be able to work there because I was apparently already scheduled for the next two weeks. As I was praying that morning, I just told God that I was ready. Ready for what....I don't know. Just that I'm ready. For whatever He wants me to do.

So as I stood there in my empty office at 9:30 Monday morning, going between being totally rational and sobbing, I knew that God had a different plan for me.

Do I wish that plan was to be a happy little first time passer, with a presh little salary and a nice office with a big window?

Um, duh.

But that's not my deal right now.

So, update: I'm officially unemployed. My husband is still in school full time. We don't have an income. We don't have insurance. We have lots of bills. And I don't know what we're going to do.

I have pretty much been on the verge of a panic attack since Monday morning. Feeling like your heart could, at any given time, start racing to the extent you think you might have a heart attack at the age of 26, is not the best feeling to experience every minute of every day.

People started telling me I had to take the test again. Honestly I wasn't sure I wanted too. Maybe I'm supposed to do something else? Maybe this is God telling me to go in a different direction? Maybe I'm just not smart enough to do this job? Maybe I can find a job doing something else completely that will make me super happy?

In the meantime, how do we pay our bills? Where am I going to find a job that's going to give me time off? Where am I going to find a job PERIOD? Nothing in the paper pays over $9 an hour. I've talked to pretty much every person I know about jobs. Nothing.

So we've been praying. I've been crying and praying on my own. I feel incompetent, useless, and unreliable. Not being able to pass this test makes me feel...well......like a failure.

This morning I made a proclamation. I am going to take the test again. There are people that have taken this test 3, 4, 6, 8, 13 times. While I do NOT want to be the woman from California taking the test 13 times, I know that I do need to pass this test.

For a long time, especially while I was waiting for results, I started to become really envious of other peoples' educational choices. Like, I want to be a pharmacist, or a radiologist, or an interior designer, or an environmental engineer, etc. Things that I think I have an interest in. At least at the moment.

But alas, those paths are not my own. They have been selected for others and not for me. Actually, Sunday morning I was researching how long it would take me to go back and get a Master's degree in speech pathology. HUH?? What was I doing??

So, I'm praying now for contentment. Contentment in this chosen field. Contentment in my current situation. Patience for the future. Discernment in how to approach the next few days, few months, few years. Diligence in my eventual studies. Resolve to work harder each day. I will also be praying that God continue to renew this desire in my heart day after day....that I would continue to want to strive to pass this test. I don't ever want to be beaten by something so....trivial. Because that is ultimately what this is. A trivial thing. Something that quite literally means nothing to me in the grand scheme of life. It is a mere hurdle, not unlike others I've experienced in my past. It feels like something so much more now because there are other peoples lives and situations tied up in it. But I know I can't allow my life to be consumed by a test. A test. That's it.

All of this is something that I had to come to on my own. I had to get to the point where I wanted to take this test again. I think I want to try for this coming February, but I'm not 100% sure. So, I'm going to ask you to join me in this effort. Pray that I, and the others that are struggling with the same bar-passage issues that I am, can get some sort of clear direction for our lives. That God would show us exactly what we need to do, where to go, what to pursue to fulfill our little stories here on Earth.

Thank you to those who inquired, called, texted, and were otherwise concerned about me on Monday and the following days. Thank you for your condolences and well-wishes and prayers. I am so thankful that God has given me a peace about all this. I am still unsure and unclear about exactly what to do, but I do know He is faithful to bless us. And I have faith that one day He will bring me through this trial.

Fear

SO BC and I are sitting here watching Conan (or Coco, as he is apparently nicknamed by TBS) and he just had a professional base jumper on tonight, Jeb Corliss. No, I have no idea who he is either.

(The jump at the 2:17 mark was the one they played on the Conan show)

Do I agree with his extremism, causing all sorts of nonsense at the top of the Empire State Building? No...I mean maybe he could have done it in a tiny bit more civilized way.


Buuuut he had a very interesting perspective on base jumping when he was interview on Conan. After the video clip played, Conan said he threw up a little bit (yak) and I have to admit that it made my heart leap just watching it on tv. When Jeb was asked if he was afraid, he said yes, but that he "manipulates his fear."

What a fascinating concept.

He manipulates his fear.

He could either succumb to his fears when he jumps, or he can change his thinking.

Maybe one of these days I can change my thinking.