In the Ones Now

Well friends and neighbors, we're getting closer and closer to THE day. 17 days left, as of today. I don't think about it as much, and I guess that's because I'm not working in the legal field at the moment. Not working the the legal field everyday equals not having people ask you "SO WHEN'S THE BIG DAY?!" at every possible moment.

I've still been begging for hours at the monogram shop and have worked a few hours here and there. I'm still checking up on that legal job I told y'all about. I called yesterday and found out the attorney had a death in the family and is out for an unknown amount of time. So we keep waiting. His secretary did say she gave my resume and info to him and he's considering it. But I don't know if that was just her being nice or what. Either way, PATIENCE. Ugh.

Patience has truly been a huge lesson for me lately. Everything I'm reason has been about waiting on the Lord. It's not my nature, by any means, but I know that there is an important reason for all the waiting. Waiting to finish school. Waiting to find my husband. Waiting to pass the bar. Waiting to find a job. Waiting. But I know the Lord has a purpose for my life. And if I've learned anything through all this, it's that God has a plan and He is going to see it through.

I can't wait to see where it all ends up :)

New Opportunities?

So I've been on the hunt for jobs, and trying to be a little unconventional. I've had several suggestions to be more forward with employers and basically call them up and say, I'm a good fit for your firm, can I come and interview with you.

While this is utterly terrifying for me, I recently had the opportunity to find out that a local firm was hiring. The firm only has four attorneys in it, but I found out from one of the main partner's wives (i.e. his name is on the sign) that they might be hiring another attorney because they have an excess of work.

In the interest of brevity, I called yesterday and the attorney called me back today. After some discussion, and telling him I a) just took the bar exam, b) have only worked in criminal law, and c) only have experience in civil litigation through law school competitions and clinics, he asked me to send him a resume. He then proceeded to tell me they have been in talked with but "hadn't closed the deal" with an attorney with 3 years experience. Being up against that person doesn't leave me with much hope, but I guess its a good thing he still asked for a resume after learning I have no experience doing what they do. I mean, I guess he could have just said thanks but no thanks.

So, in the meantime, I've been working on my confidence and trust and trying to embrace my full potential. I got really upset a few days ago at feeling really left out with a certain group of people. One person in particular I don't really care for all that much, and that made me even more upset. I felt the need to try to be super happy, excited, etc., to fit in, despite not being included. After talking with BC, if people don't want to spend time with me, so be it. Honestly I'm kinda tired of trying SO HARD to fit in. By the same token, I've got a lot of "me" things to work on--specifically learning to put myself out there and not worry about what other people think. I used to be confident and it went away. I want to find it again.

Also, last thing--as of yesterday, I'm officially training for a half-marathon!! I'm so excited!!

My letter to Delilah

I left for Tampa for the bar exam on Monday the 27th. I drove with another girl I met who was re-taking Florida for the first time. We left Tampa immediately after the MBE portion on Wednesday. While on the drive we scoured the radio searching for fun stuff to listen to. We ended up listening to the Delilah show because that was pretty much all we could find that wasn't rap or country (welcome to Florida).

If you've listened to the Delilah show, you know she is syndicated and is like the #1 woman in radio ever of all time, or something. I usually just hear her at Christmas, but apparently she's on year-round. So around 9:30 pm, while we were listening, she took this caller. He was in his 20s and was complaining about not being able to get a girl to go out with him. (Clearly not, if you're calling Delilah at 10pm.) Come to find out, this girl already had a boyfriend, the caller just wanted her to break up with that boyfriend for the caller! And she wouldn't! Shock of all shocks! Delilah was like...ummm...ok. Song he requested? "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson. If you're keeping count, so far we have at least 4 reasons why its clear this dude wasn't going to get with this girl.

So, I told my friend--we should totally call her. We're on our way back from the bar exam (so we're clearly brilliant), we're WAY more awesome than that dude, and we'll probably be the raddest people she'll talk to this week. So I called. And called. And called. And called. Busy signal, busy signal, busy signal. Go figure. My friend said she heard one time that she gets so many callers that people actually organize the call and schedule you a time. I told her--if they schedule people, she must REALLY be hurting for callers if THAT guy gets through!

So we emailed instead. Now keep in mind we were basically delerious. We had gone straight from bar exam to the car for about seven hours. Add in about 2 months of not sleeping or eating well, etc etc. You people know this. I'm not telling you anyone new.

So, we had a serious case of the giggles when we wrote this.

Also, when you go to her website, there is a section called something like--Got a Dilemma? Ask Delilah! Or something like that.

Here ya go:

Delilah. Here is my dilemma. I tried to call you on the phone and it was busy. I guess you only have one phone line, but that's okay because I do too. Anyways, my friend and I are driving back from the Florida Bar Exam as I type this. Don't worry, she is driving and that is why I am typing. We just heard some guy call in and talk about wanting a song request because he asked out a girl that refused to break up or cheat on her boyfriend with this dude. We think she chose well because he requested a Kelly Clarkson song. I mean, what dude does that at 9:30 on a Wednesday night. But I digress. He was a lame caller. We, however, basically would have been the two coolest people you will have talked to probably so far this week. I'm bummed we didn't get to chat. My phone only has 18% power left and I couldn't keep calling to try to get through. I think we were going to request What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger by Kelly, mostly because she seemed like the lady of the hour after that dude called. Either that song or I'll Be Home for Christmas by Michael Buble, because we're on our way home from Tampa and we like Christmas a lot.

Ok, well, maybe one day in the future we'll try to call again. Holla!

AC

So, a little silly, but we were laughing our heads off. I mean, literally everything in this email was a huge joke. We weren't quite sure ho she'd take it, but we figured it was funny, maybe she'd laugh. Whatever. Or maybe she'd call and be like--of COURSE I want you on my show DUHHH!

Well you guys....she emailed me back!

I couldn't hardly believe it.

For someone to be as popular as she is, I honestly thought she'd read that, think we were dumb, and press delete. But oh no my friends! Here is the response:

AC, I look forward to your call in the future.

And just so you know...I have 12 phone lines and 10 million listeners all fighting for those lines.

God bless Honey

Y'all I was DYING at this email. I sent it to my friend, and she sent back "lolllllll omg"

Just so you know, Delilah is SOOOOOO popular.  Also, the little addition of "God bless Honey" was the result of one of two things: 1) she thinks I have mental problems or 2) she thought I was being super duper sarcastic and wanted to throw it right back.

Well guess what Delilah you are SEW WRAWNG. We seriously were just having fun...and her response totally capped it off. I'm still lololololing.

I'm back!

What a hiatus, huh?

Its been awhile.

I've been off studying and bar examining. I really didn't want this to become a bar exam blog--I DO have a life outside of all that, after all.

I'll go into my experience this February at some point, but I almost don't want to without having results first. I feel like I want to know whether I was successful with my studying this time before I divulge my experience.

In the meantime, I'm job searching. I honestly don't know how to go about it. I mean, how do people even "get" jobs anymore? The last state job I had was procured by friends and former employers that pulled strings for me. During my 3L year, I sent a cover letter/resume combo to every firm in my hometown and some to surrounding cities--everything from one or two people, all the way to the big ones. I probably sent around 70 out. I got two responses of No. Just two. 68 firms completely ignored me.

Granted, that was 3L year. Who wants to risk it on a graduating law student. I felt pretty valuable at that point, mostly because I had just come out of some very successful trial competitions, had good summer experience, and was returning to an area I planned on staying in. (I have been told by family friends that are attorneys that, as a hiring criteria, they like to see locals returning because it means less of a chance for turnover in the future.) Additionally, at that point I hadn't gotten the opportunity to fail the bar exam 3 times. So...yeah. I thought I looked kinda ok.

Ultimately, I got nothing except those two letters. Now I'm terrified to start this process again. In the past bar administrations, it wasn't that big of a deal because I still had my job waiting for me. No need to job search and stress because I had a pretty rad employer who kept saying he'd keep me around to try again. Except this time because, well, 3 chances is a lot to give and more than I should have gotten. Now I'm scared that people are going to take one look at my resume and see "graduated: May 2010, bar passage: April 2012" (being optimistic here people) and go NOPE SHE'S STUPID and move to the next resume. I know I can't let that stop me, but its literally makes me SO NERVOUS.

I've been trying to talk to people I know, hoping that maybe something might come up again. Since this bar exam debacle, I've gotten a lot better at relying on God and His timing. Or at least I hope I have. I know I should be super upset about all this, but for some reason, I'm still pretty calm about it. I definitely feel some sense of urgency, but I'm not freaking out. Maybe its because results aren't in yet. I don't know.

If anyone has any attorney-related job searching tips they'd like to pass along, I'd greatly appreciate it. like I said, I've never gotten a job based off my excellent cover letter writing skills before, so I'm not exactly sure what people are looking for once an attorney is out in the world and not fresh out of law school.  

Much Better

So, after a very dramatic previous blog post, I have to say, I'm doing much better. Even though my quiz grades are not stellar, I've been getting a lot of encouragement from my tutor, and that makes me feel better. When I start to get overwhelmed about not doing as much work as I would like, I try to repeat what he has been telling me this whole time--you can't fix what is in the past, you can only make the best out of the time you have at this very second, don't focus on what's coming tomorrow. Anyway, it helps.

I gchatted the other day with LF and Rachel. Rachel and I are using the same tutor that LF used (with hopefully the same results!!!) and were swapping stories, including mutual breakdowns. LF was checking in on me to (I think) make sure I hadn't hurled myself off the closest high-rise. Being able to commiserate with other non-passers definitely helps. While you are unwillingly shoved into this group of people that no one wants to be in, of course, it is amazing the sort of support you are able to find. Its one thing for some person just to say, awww I'm so sorry you didn't pass. Its quite another for someone who actually didn't pass to say, I'm so sorry you didn't pass. They understand what its like to study and not achieve. To have your life put on hold while you shell out another $1000+ to move past what others already have. To feel like a failure. People I've never even met before are concerned about me and my well being. I am so incredibly grateful! (I have to put here, I'm grateful for all the people who are concerned about me, passers and non-passers alike, including non-lawyery people.) I've already told BC when this is all over, we're going to be taking lots of trips to visit these people so I can hug them all.

I've gotten involved with an online Bible Study group with Brittany, Amanda, and Jenna. I've really enjoyed it, and its forced me to be super accountable. We don't all do the same study, its more just for accountability purposes, and sharing things we're learning with other ladies. I'm currently going through David: 90 Days With a Heart Like His by Beth Moore. Since pretty much every woman I go to church with is either (1) my age and a mom or (2) not a mom but way younger than me, its nice to swap life junk with women who are both my age and not in mommy land yet.

In other news, I got my hairz highlighted yesterday. It was an AMAZING experience. I haven't gotten my hair done, in, I don't know, 7-ish months? Something like FOREVER ago. It was mostly because of money issues. Oddly enough, the darker my hair got, the more depressed I became. Perhaps it was a constant reminder of how poor I was? How I totally should have asked for a hair appt for Christmas? How I should have saved my Christmas money instead of spending it on, good grief I don't know, a million Dr. Peppers to and from NC on our Christmas vacation? I mean, seriously, how does cash go so freaking quickly out of my pocket???? WHAT THE HECK DO I SPEND IT ON ALL THE TIME.

My husband's parents were gracious enough to send us some money to help out with bills and so my husband could get some more contacts and glasses--definitely a necessity that unfortunately borders on a luxury these days. Since they were SO gracious, my husband told me to take some money to go get my hair done. I was literally ECSTATIC. Ever since then I've been in the best mood ever. Its amazing what getting your hair spruced up will do to a mood.

Welp, enough of all this. If I'm ever going to pass, I've got to get to work! Holla!

I didn't want this to become a bar blog. I would love for this to be an anything-but-the-bar blog. But that's whats going on right now.

I'm really struggling right now becuase I am not understanding anything. I have seen this freaking stuff four times. FOUR TIMES. How stupid do you have to be to not get something after four times??? I read this stuff, and I recognize it, I totally recognize it. But its completely foreign to me. Like it never actually sinks in. I turn around and do practice questions and its like nothing.

I had a good session (or so I thought) with my tutor on hearsay on Monday. So good, that he told me he thought I did amazing. He sent me some questions to do. I got them back and got over half of them wrong. The worst part was going back over the answers. I mean, I can see where those answers are right but I clearly thought mine were originally right. If I took that same test in a few weeks, I don't think I would do any better than I did the other day.

That's terrifying.

How am I actually ever going to pass this thing? I'm doing as well right now as I've pretty much done every other time. I'm all out of chances. My parents have spent $3000 on bar exams. $4000 on hotels. $3000 on a tutor. And for what? A failure for a child. They're also paying pretty much everything for us. I can't work, I can't find a job that will work around this insane schedule. My husband is in school full time. And its all my fault. We actually, literally, wouldn't be able to survive if they didn't do all this. No, I take that back. Without their help, I never would have made it past July 2010. I would have had to get a job, move on, and take it some other time.

What am I complaining for, right? I am taken care of.

True.

Sometimes its hard to see all that when you feel completely hopeless.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow morning, that's usually how these things go. But I have felt just so dang depressed today. Seeing no improvement in my scores, in my ability to remember anything. Its distressing. I fell like I've done nothing but waste more money, more time. 

And I'm really afraid this time the result is going to be exactly the same.