lessons in envy

I don't usually just straight up covet what other people have. Or at least I don't think I do. Yeah, I mean, if I see someone driving past me in my dream car, or pulling into what looks similar to my dream home, I tend to go, "dang that's nice, I want one!"...and then its over. I don't sit and stew and get mad that that person has what I want. Its just whatever.

Last night, one of our ministers gave the mid-week devotional on Envy. Of course, I sit down and I'm like, pshhhhhh please. Check this one off the list, I'm good. Until he started listing things. Somewhere on down the list was being envious of people for what they've done or what they've went for. Looking at people who put everything on the line and "did it." And it hit me---that's me.

Lately (and I'm ABSOLUTELY SURE it has to do with the bar exam. AGAIN.) I've really struggled with being jealous of where other people are in their lives. Of course, jealous of people who passed the bar exam ON THEIR FIRST try and are sailing right into their fancy new careers. Jealous of people who busted their A's in law school and managed to score an associate position making $20K more than me (which I may or may not have for much longer, depending on how these results turn out). But it doesn't stop at law-related things. I'm jealous of BC for going back to school, pushing himself in subjects he doesn't feel comfortable in to achieve the degree he wants--math, science, physics. I should be doing that. That should have been what I did. I was on that track in high school. I was taking all those classes...all the top maths and sciences, AP everything my senior year. What happened to me? Well big shocker, I was too dang lazy after I graduated to keep trying. And I was scared. Scared that I would fail, so I decided to not try. I picked a major guaranteed to let me graduate college a year early because all it required was some core classes and a ton of electives. What did I fill those elective spots with? All the AP math and science classes I had worked so hard in. Simply went to fill elective credit.

Sometimes I feel like the last seven years of my education have been a waste. Sometimes I sit and do BC's math problems for him because I miss it. PEOPLE: I DO MY HUSBAND'S MATH HOMEWORK.

Then I get jealous of those women who get to stay home with their husbands and babies, keep the house, do fun DIY projects they showcase on their blogs, have a lil garden, I don't know, whatever they do. Good grief, I used to not be able to stand those women. I thought they were lazy and boring. But now....I get it. I understand why they made that decision--raising a family is the most important job you could ever have. And I want that. But I feel like because of the choices I've made and the educational/occupational position I've put myself in, who knows when that will happen. I mean, if I would have stuck with it after high school, I would be sitting here, scared to death, a week and a half before the bar exam. Again.

The hardest thing in that lesson was the idea that whats making me so upset is me. BC and I talked about it afterwards...he said there are, first, a ton of good things that came out of my choices. Mainly, him :) If I wouldn't have gone to law school, I wouldn't have met the people I needed to, so that I could ultimately meet him. Clearly, for that reason alone, I would do it all over again. I guess my problem is, I can't help but pine away after what I think my life would have been like. BC then asked me why don't I just do what I want to do now? Well, I feel like its too alte for that. If we ever want to have a family, if we ever want to be financially stable, I can't just go backwards. Its already done.

Don't get me wrong, I get a TON of validation and self-worth from my job, I really like it. I guess I feel like something is missing. Regardless, I can't be like the people in the Bible (James 4:1-2) who quarrel and fight because of their jealousy of others. I want what other people have, and I don't have it because I don't ask God for the one thing I need more than anything: CONTENTMENT. I'm here in this place for a reason. I don't know what's going to happen in five minutes, let alone two weeks, two months, or two years. So I keep plugging along....and praying for contentment.

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