getting closer. AGAIN.

For those that are regular readers, or even brief checker-outers, you know I failed the FL bar exam in July. I was crushed, mortified, and my life ended. BC and I were in North Carolina at the time, visiting his side of the family, having my first wedding shower, and attending the Lady Gaga concert (tickets for my birthday because he's the best husband on the planet). The day we went home was the day he told me the news. I finally stopped crying once we got to Georgia.

Now I'm giving it try #2. Only because I was forced to really. And because I have no idea what I would do otherwise. Seriously, I'm not going to anymore school, no one wants to hire a front-desk receptionist with a law degree, and I would rather stab myself in the eyeballs than teach (which my mother thinks is my next stop if I don't pass the bar this time).

So, because BC is still in school, I've been working and studying. My bosses have graciously allowed me to take UNPAID vacation as study days from work. So....let's all hope my paycheck next month is more than $100. Ultimately I am grateful for the time off though, it gives me more time to focus and accomplish stuff.

I broke down again last night. I don't know why I'm telling the universe this, I guess I just needed to say it out loud and let it go. Then I think I had a mini panic attack. I woke up feeling super stressed out, and heart racing. I didn't sleep well.

I keep getting emails from the FL bar review folks. "Hey, this is ABC, Director of Whatever, by now you should be doing xyz, making this score, etc." I'm not at that point yet. It scares me again. I'm absolutely petrified of failing. My heart and mind can't take anymore news like I heard in September. I literally might break apart.

BC sent me an article he read, written by someone who had taken some state's bar exam, and gave tips on what to think about it. The last point was that it actually isn't your whole world and existence, but, the writer went on to say, it is for us. Why is that? Why do I allow myself to get this worked up? I guess I realize what I'll lose if the same thing happens. I could have easily been fired in September but I wasn't. But if we hear bad news in April....I will be. I guess its hard for me to think positive because all I have to go off of is bad news. That is the only experience I have with the bar exam. Stress and bad news.

Ultimately, please say a little prayer for those of us who are (unfortunately) old pros at this and are having to suffer through taking this test again. I'm not the only one out there. We all felt utterly broken last year when we heard the results, and now we're trying to overcome out worn-out brains and feelings of inadequacy to try again. (That certainly explains me, maybe I'm the only one who feels like this.)

I've tried to use this experience to remain strong in my faith. Its difficult, but ultimately I know God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. I just don't know why I'm apparently the one who has to handle it.

Proverbs 3:1-6

1My son, do not forget my teaching,
         But let your heart keep my commandments;
    2For length of days and years of life
         And peace they will add to you.
    3Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
         Bind them around your neck,
         Write them on the tablet of your heart.
    4So you will find favor and good repute
         In the sight of God and man.
    5Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding.
    6In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight. 

1 comment:

Amie said...

I'm pulling for you, babe.

It's the world because all the damn work we've done doesn't matter without it. Grades, papers, journals, moot court, internships, clerkships, clinics, research gigs, none of it counts without that minimum test score. It's a crap system, and we're all stuck with it.

But. You can do this. I believe in you. And, if for whatever reason you don't do it, you can (and WILL) still have a great life. Just remember to count all your blessings - husband, friends, family, sunshine, food, etc. You will be okay.